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crapping in the face of adversity
Aug. 16th, 2007
12:22 pm
well my old heartbreaks come back
between my hand and the crotch its cupped around
it makes it better
it makes it sicker
it gets me wetter
it brings me off
twice in a row i'm lost in confusion
saddened because i can't retrace my thoughts
well i'm not worried
i'm gonna get mine
if i just lie still
and don't ask questions
even with myself i know i just can't be a good girl
but if i stopped talking would it make a difference?
i shouldn't wonder
when i'll get my answers
to questions that i had
while lying still
May. 24th, 2007
01:54 pm - Love-song of the Ignorant and the Untruthful
so tell me is the sum of our love
greater than the sum of our pain
tell me, tell me,
tell me soon
cause i can't circle round it anymore
it seems we smile by reflex lately
when we smile at all
help me, help me,
make my mind
reveal the next best thing we ought to do
we both know there's more than this
know it shouldn't be like this
tell me why our voices raise
i'm not afraid, i'm not afraid
tell me if the chill i get, knowing that you don't quite get
the reasons that i see this way, is ever going to go away
tell me, tell me
tell me soon
my skin can't stand the crawling anymore
it seems that all our comforting
don't quite move into joy
tell me, tell me,
tell me soon
is there someplace left where you can lay your pretense down?
we both know there's more than this
we know it shouldn't stop at this
tell me why my voice is raised
and don't you tell me i'm afraid
posturing and blustering
makes me feel warm inside
sometimes it works long enough for me
to get away
do you do the same thing
i bet you do the same thing
i've seen you do the same thing
nevermind
we both know there's more than this
so why the hell'd we stop at this
tell me why your voice is raised
i'll tell you why i'm not afraid
i'm not afraid
i'm not afraid
a liar
but i'm not afraid
May. 21st, 2007
03:37 pm
somebody please make computers make sense to meg before she sets a small victoria day bomb off beneath her own.
*knows this isn't going to happen - the sense-making or the bombing*
also, anyone know of a free, fairly simple and not horribly inclined to crash sound recording program? i need recordings of my songs so my bassist can listen to them and get some bass lines going, but i only have three songs recorded and i don't think they're so good anyway, the recordings. okay they're really bad. stupid coked-out no-aesthetic-judgment-having self of a year ago...can't believe i thought that sounded listenable even...lol. oh well. maybe i'll get mics and mic stands before i can find a computer program that won't drive me mad, and i'll do it that way. anyone got a line on cheap half-inch tape?
baaaaah...farewell in annoyance.
09:51 am - cosmic cat treats
this company makes catnip - apparently it's high-quality catnip. now they have turkey-flavoured catnip-cut treats. probably in beef, chicken and seafood, too. but they're cut with catnip, man. it's fuckin' pot brownies for your cat! i think this is thigh-slappingly funny, especially since my (spoiled rotten) cat is in possession of a large, healthy, two-dollar catnip plant bought for him by a friend. (go natural, man, it's cheaper.) tell me, oh lord, why can i get a poor dumb beast high legally and in two different ways for months for a total cost of about seven dollars, but i gotta cough up a eighty to a hundred bucks a week to keep jen and myself in a resonable state of existence while risking arrest and having to go to most distasteful apartment buildings in order to locate friggin' POT, which has a similar effect on me to the effect the damn catnip has on my little guy?
oh lord, i'm not saying it's wrong that i be allowed to offer my cat cheap and relatively harmless intoxicants. he likes them. he's stopped smoking pot since we got him wheatgrass (which i swear gives him a buzz) and catnip. but isn't it pretty fucked up that i can get things under my care as high as kites but i'm not supposed to do it myself? i think that's pretty fucking fucked up.
this song is also fucked up. but only cause it's this totally happy-sounding pop-guitar song and the chorus is: "i watched that girl destroy me/she throws me now, it's true/i watch the girl destroy me/hey, watch me now..."
lol...i love the psycho junkie fucks who came out of california in the late nineties...oh wait one of them is my lover...see?
May. 18th, 2007
09:01 pm - DO THE COCK!
do the cock, do the cock, cock-a-doodle-do!
yeah, so i'm at home, pausing between a wedding and a reception. my friends spewky and douggie (both dudes) got hitched today. mix of pagan and hindu ceremony, plus some random shit they made up as they went along. they had the wedding under the bathurst bridge. i loved it. i hadn't been under that bridge in probably three years, and i certainly hadn't had a beer there in that long.
*pause for meg to eat a banana so as to not get overly shitfaced* mmmmm fuckin' tasty! *slug o' water* *smacking of lips*
i was just so happy to be there. it's the best kind of wedding. everybody got all choked up making vows, but every time someone said something awesome, the whole party of assembled guests (about 60 of us) would start cheering. i mean, how can you not think that a wedding in which the line "i never got a hard-on for anyone with a cock...except you!" not only exists, but receives rousing applause, is the coolest shit ever?! especially since two dogs were fucking in the background and the ring bearer (also a dog) had to be coaxed up the front to deliver the items in question. BEST WEDDING EVER, BY JESUS!
i'm freezing my ass off. i dunno if it's cause of the open windows or a lack of caloric intake. gonna try stuffing face.
cheers ya'll!
May. 16th, 2007
04:59 pm
grandpa died on sunday.
the rain is falling now.
i'm counting down the days until i'm free to make sense of these things.
my mother's house sold. there's more money than we thought.
she bought that house to leave to us.
i wonder if she knows how well she did?
all my perceptions are so delicate and fresh they ache from new exposure.
sleep is for the weak.
so what's left for me?
i want.
but what would satisfy?
couldn't tell you - and if i could i still wouldn't.
May. 6th, 2007
12:45 pm
things on my mind:
power sanders: not to be used as an exfoliation device.
i must wage a campaign against the mozilla spell check. IT DOESN'T RECOGNIZE ITS OWN NAME AS A WORD! neither does it recognize 'exfoliate' or any derivative word.
"montreal might eat its young, but montreal won't break us down" - final fantasy
i have acquired my mother's record player - with speakers & amp - and her vinyl. some of it was rather good. i wonder if she ever listened to it later on?
it's strange, filling my house with her possessions. they don't live here yet, you know? and unknowns pile through the door along with them. do ghosts only come to you if you give them power? would i let them in if i had a choice?
my grandpa's back in the hospital. fluid in the lungs. there seems to be a lot of death and illness happening in my family. it's strange for me - we're a pretty healthy bunch and we always minimize our concerns and everyone else's. but this can't be minimized. dead and sick, and the loose ends of the dead take up more time than the living sometimes.
part of my brain keeps asking, "why are her things here? what does this mean? what's going to happen now?" i can answer part of the first question and neither of the others.
i want to play guitar.
And who by fire, who by water,
who in the sunshine, who in the night time,
who by high ordeal, who by common trial,
who in your merry merry month of may,
who by very slow decay,
and who shall I say is calling?
And who in her lonely slip, who by barbiturate,
who in these realms of love, who by something blunt,
and who by avalanche, who by powder,
who for his greed, who for his hunger,
and who shall I say is calling?
And who by brave assent, who by accident,
who in solitude, who in this mirror,
who by his lady's command, who by his own hand,
who in mortal chains, who in power,
and who shall I say is calling?
- Leonard Cohen
May. 2nd, 2007
10:29 am - inventions i would love to see
- a guitar and amp combo that weighs less than 40 pounds - with case! - and still sounds good (the amp being large enough to play small shows)
- a pill you can swallow for breakfast that expands in your stomach with all the advisable nutrients so you feel full and are healthy without having to eat in the morning (i hate trying to eat in the morning, food and i are wary of each other in the early hours). meal replacement drinks don't count because even they give me a pain in the ass on a bad day. also they taste like flavoured death.
- a computer that understands idiomatic english and can respond to it so computers and i can finally communicate on the same wavelength. (i've tried to learn how a computer thinks, or functions, and by jesus, it makes no sense to me. BLACK AND WHITE, YES AND NO, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY AND THE COMPUTER IS IN FANTASY-LAND, NOT ME...)
- a hallucinogen that has no aftereffects - please please please please invent this someone!
- a replicator that works off...oh, i don't know, landfill mass and tree branch cuttings or something.
- a bomb that only kills people who are stupid and happy to stay that way. ties in to intelligent computer idea.
- glasses that would let anyone see aura. especially me, as i understand it to be very beautiful, but i get it as emotions and not as colour, and i wish i could see it too.
- a heat-seeking missile designed to move through the plumbing and erupt from george w. bush's toilet whilst he's sitting thereupon. again, please please please somebody invent this ASAP. PLEASE, if i have to die i want it to be while laughing, and this seems like the best way to go EVER.
anyone else think of a useful minor miracle that wants to exist?
May. 1st, 2007
10:28 am - this is just the beginning of something much longer, i think...it's like a rough sketch
i have a nameless friend
i try to keep impressed
cause then i know i won't go wrong
my friend helps me to sleep
when i've been counting sheep
when i wake up i can't recall
the lullaby
i try to live up to
the best in all of you
that's how i know the best in me
and it's a straining life
there's some internal strife
but it tastes so sweet at the end
it never goes
everything watch over you
as it does over me
everything demand of you
whatever it may need
i have a little song
i sing it every time
i go out walking all alone
it's never twice the same
it hints around a way
to draw a name that i can't say
out of the air
i have the kind of hands
that always know the hands
of someone else who knows the trick
i wonder if my friend
is also with them then
i wonder if my friend's the trick
that we all know
everything watch over you
as it does over me
everything demand of you
whatever it may need
Apr. 29th, 2007
12:05 pm
i realized something awful today at six in the morning. we woke up lying on the floor (usual), but i had just realized last night that i've been waking up on the floor for five months, so i was damn testy. and i didn't want to inflate it. i do it four times a day since, lacking a couch, the bed is the most comfortable seating in the house except for my computer chair, but it isn't exactly multiple-occupancy unless you start layering humans. and partly this is just frustration (unresolved, maybe unresolvable...christ help me, and what do you mean, spell-check, that lower-case-c christ isn't a word?) about WHY exactly i have inflated the damnable succession of air mattresses 99% of the time. i just...if you want it inflated, jen, why not do it yourself? *part of brain curls up in little ball because it doesn't know the answer and wishes it did*
so the awful thing that had me crying. i realized i'm fucking trapped. i'll try to explain this without degenerating into a series of expletives. i left home six years ago because i couldn't handle the overbearing nature of my parents at the time. whether i was right or wrong about that, it's why i left. because i couldn't handle the level of influence they wanted over my life. i haven't been financially dependent on them, except for the occasional few hundred bucks here and there, for the last five years. and i went through some serious shit to maintain that independence, and they kept me at arms' length when i was a complete wreck, and i can't blame them for it for a second. so now i 'clean up my act' and return to the family fold. i've stopped doing what used to support me - namely, panning and squeegeeing - moved out of slum housing, changed my diet, changed, in fact, almost all my habits except for smokes and pot. for me, not for anyone else. not for anyTHING else, except for the fact that it was the best viable option and i WANTED it. and you know, i'm poor as fuck now, eh? and it doesn't go to crack, it goes to the bills and my medication (pot) and one holy shit-load of fruits and vegetables. so i asked for a loan. but my parents say that loaning me money against my inheritance will teach me bad financial management. so they would rather give me money, no repayment...but they'll only give me money for specific things, subject to my going about it in the approved way, and (still under debate) maybe a little more gelt every month. so i'm trapped. and i've been hoodwinked, and i don't even know if the people who hoodwinked me know they did it. but if ANYONE can answer this question for me, please do, cause i don't understand and wish i did. HOW, exactly, does doling out money to me for specific things out of a fund the exact amount of which i don't know, without knowledge of the relative size of the financial drain and without obligation to repay, SUBJECT TO APPROVAL OF NIKO AND MY DAD, MIND YOU, teach ME personally about how to manage my money responsibly? IT DOESN'T! IT JUST DOESN'T! IT'S A CROCK! what it does is ensure that every time i need money, i have to come to them. and if they don't like it, i can't do it. and if they think it should be done THIS way, i have to do it THIS way, or - it doesn't happen. so that they know exactly what's going on. and can say yea or nay. and i am so...god, hurt, scared, heartbroken, angry...why am i not good enough?
Apr. 26th, 2007
09:50 pm - @#$! biased researchers!!!
do you know that despite the 2 million books (or something like that) surrounding me, and the umpteen-zillion journal articles etc., ALL of which are in the online catalogue of robarts, i can't find a THING to tell me how many homeless/street-involved people in toronto (or ontario or canada) by numbers or by percentage, are on some kind of social assistance?!
FUCK! PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW THE RIGHT QUESTIONS TO ASK!
sweet heavenly jesus i'm entering into a community of REALLY intellectualized idiots, aren't i?
me think me get some bitchy, need pot for help the complaint in me.
11:37 am
life is hard
but at least it gives one a break occasionally
if only enough to keep one
from going over the edge.
(don't look a gift horse in the mouth)
----------------------------------------
ROBARTS LIBRARY IS REALLY A BLACK HOLE
82% of statistics are wrong
wrong like early maps -
crap, but a whole lot better
than nothing.
i'm crazy 28% of the day.
well, that's a lot better
than nothing.
brain go fuzzy
stomach go growly
me right sick of all this crap
thoughts run off in all directions
poverty, grit your teeth
grab on to your boot straps and
PULL
when i hold my head up on 3 fingers
i look 10% more thoughtful
but i'm 48% asleep -
and it's crap,
but it sure is better than nothing.
i laugh 8% of my waking day
to keep madness away.
well, it may be crap
but it's gotta be better than nothing.
body gets shivers
stuck in the stacks
surrounded by piles
of self-satisfied facts
poverty, grit your teeth
grab on to your boots straps
(one more one more time, now) and
PULL
Apr. 24th, 2007
10:52 am - YAWRGH! BLURGLE! MEEEEEEEEP!
so. the poverty, it becomes such that one has no choice but to laugh. my fridge leaks water, right? so it sucked and was ruining our food, so we called the landlord and told him we needed a new fridge. he tried to tell us it was 5 months old - BULLSHIT - and turned it down so it wouldn't leak water and ruin our food. so now it freezes our food, which also ruins it, and freezes our milk, which makes it hard to use, and freezes jen's nail polish, which we don't know if it ruins it or not, and the pools of water on the bottom shelf have become small skating rinks. and there are no shelves in the freezer (and at least one broken shelf bracket), so we have kamikaze edibles.
i have $8.35 in my bank account. i couldn't make copies of research shit yesterday cause i haven't a cash cent to my name and i can't withdraw a fiver to pay for photocopies.
my bed keeps deflating every time i crash. i haven't had an uninterrupted night's sleep in two weeks. and my back is so fucked it's starting to hamper proper movement.
i've been living off food banks since october and tonight is the last night. they gave us mad food last week, but since we have no shelves in the freezer, we couldn't store or eat all of it, and some of it went bad. so today i'm kinda hungry and having no bread.
so this is why i have to laugh. bugs and bills and unfixed cats, leaking beds and rotting food, going hungry in the middle of plenty, creeping madness under thin veneer...
if i don't get some coin to throw at my problems, since i have no time to solve them cheaply, i really think i'll be kind of crazy soon.
i already can't concentrate on the task at hand, and i wake up tired but i have to move...they're bad signs. the question is, will my parents respect my opinion of myself, or will they think they have it right again?
the choice between going nuts and swallowing your pride is no real choice. and it's wrong. but i have to live with it.
my mind feels all torn around the edges - fraying and aching and swaying ever so agonisingly slightly in the breeze. can i go to sleep until it's over?
i don't think the stress is good for me. i actually think almost nothing is worse. i am praying. i am praying to find a way to fix it. or for the strength to endure - whatever i can get will be fine.
Apr. 23rd, 2007
03:31 pm - stuck in robarts...should i set up a tent?
ALL CYLINDERS
hey man
help me understand
why the smell of spring rain
heals my heart but leaves me sad
hey man
help me get my grip
cause i'm stone cold sober
and living a trip
is this the feeling they mean
when they talk about being alive
or am i seeing more
than i should handle
the senses
are revealing
they tell the truth when
the rest of me lies
cause thinking
is decieving
so many conclusions
turn out so wrong
what do i know is alive
they tell me this is how it feels
but is my brain firing
on all cylinders
hey god
what do you think
cause i'd like to go
along for your ride
but you
only talk back
when i listen real good
to the buzz inside me
so is that what they mean
when they talk about feeling alive
am i mad
or just firing on all cylinders
so yeah, i guess i'll be asking myself that for a long time. i don't care. if i am crazy i'd rather be. sane people are shit-boring and they don't know what it's like to walk on a wire. it's so damn nice it seems a crime against nature - well, if failure to appreciate is a crime - to be inside. we ought to be able to get extensions due to unconscionably good weather, cause it drives us crazy and makes us unable to complete our assignments. think i've got a shot in hell? maybe at a privately funded liberal university in the US in the 70s or something...yah.
okay, i haven't eaten enough. i'm getting that euphoric faintness dealie. i think i need to go to the fifth floor and get those INCREDIBLY UNDERPUBLISHED research sources. sometimes i think part of the way they restrict free flow of information isn't by censoring what can be published, but simply by making sure it isn't available online and only doing one printing of 10,000 copies. assholes.
LONG LIVE SUBVERSION! LONG LIVE THE UNFUNDED ACTUALITY! LONG LIVE FOOD NOT BOMBS SO I CAN GO GET A FUCKING MEAL! oh wait they don't have one in toronto right now. soup is good food, ya'll.
i'm irrational. good frame of mind for intense research. byeee...
Apr. 22nd, 2007
09:59 am - showering is for the bourgeoisie
i'm thinking of maybe going on a bathing strike if i can't borrow a few grand from my parents. no i'm not. i just don't want to shower today cause i'm going to a brainstorming thing (okay, vision sharing, but JESUS! is there some way to revise the conceptual lexicon and syntax of the language without it sounding like a bunch of new-agers on MDA? if there isn't, i'll just sound like a new-ager on MDA, but if there is, LET'S BLOODY FIND IT!) that this chick i met at the park on 4-20 is doing. who knows how well it'll work, but it's worth looking into. basically, she's trying to set up an organization for holism and energy exchange. without outside funding - no surprise there. kind of a help/service exchange/education/drop-in/meeting place centre for the psychic and the sensitive - for people who have the brains to use the eyes they were born with. since every time any of us talks to shrinks and whatever about it (well, at least about sensing things or knowing things that aren't 'possible' for us to sense or know), we end up far far away in a little room that locks from the outside on forced medication, the only safe thing to do is to talk to each other, right?
besides, it could be a lot of fun.
the weather is too nice. way too nice. i'm supposed to be doing a research project, but it's the first time i've seen twenty degrees since september. it's just not working out. but i'm having such a good time.
jen and i are back together. i want to make things work with her. i just really need to go away without her for a month or so. i can't explain why yet. i just...i need to understand a little better who i am and what i want and how i'm going to do it. the noise has made me blind, a little, and i want my vision to clear.
i also desire breakfast. immediate breakfast.
goodbye.
Apr. 20th, 2007
10:51 am - it ain't coming up roses yet, but the shoots are out of the soil
so mixed is that metaphor. my morning is going some fuckin' excellent. check it out. i wake up (on the floor, air mattress #2 having sprung the inevitable leak), take a shower, see my cat looking much better (he's been REALLY sick. i'll explain later), check my account, find money in it (cheque cleared), look outside, realize it's sunny and about 15 degrees already at ten in the morning, check my email, and discover that the gerstein centre, who i emailed last night asking them to forward my email to pat capponi to ask for an interview for my research project, has emailed me back and actually DID it. it took them all of twelve hours, too. *taps fingers* excellent.
just the fact that that worked at ALL has made my morning. i mean, pardon my innocence and all, but usually when i ask to get put in touch with people, at least in the last couple of years, someone starts going on about privacy policy and grey areas (read: we really don't want your disreputable ass stinking up so-and-so's office or dropping of an OD in there.)
my cat, i think, has been sick because he was stupid. he ate a leaf of pothos, which is really not good for cats. like, at all. and burns their mouths on the way down, apparently, which begs the question of WHO COULD BE DUMB ENOUGH TO EAT THE BURNING?! so then he began to vomit a lot. for days. he got so sick he couldn't even hold water down. i thought he was gonna die. but then last night he started drinking water again, a whole lot of it, and this morning he's a lot more awake and happy and being his usual little fucker of a self, even though he's still way too thin. he doesn't have much spare weight to start with, so three days with no food makes him look like a supermodel on a coke binge. i'm so happy. i was scared out of my head for him - not to mention about the potential vet bill.
OH YEAH, IT'S 4-20 TOO! LMFAOROTFL...how much of a stoner am i? i forgot it was 4-20! i'm actually doing a happy dance sitting in the chair. i just decided that my saturday is today and my friday is tomorrow.
i'm going outside.
Apr. 19th, 2007
10:28 am - the deep amusement that comes of forced patience
so i'm ready for school to be done now. totally ready. fucking hurry up and let me write finals so i can get on with my life ready.
i got an amp. well, i already had an amp. now i have a GOOD amp. *drools, walks to amp, moves cat off it, humps amp* it's supposed to be an electro-acoustic amp, and you can tell (no distortion button), but it's 65 watts (enough to play a small venue anyway), AND I CAN RUN A MIC AND MY GUITAR THROUGH IT AT THE SAME TIME, and the sound...oh, the sound...*humps amp again*. it doesn't matter that i'm running an electric through an electro-acoustic amp. i sound better than i've ever sounded in my life, and it's already made me a more attentive and accurate guitarist - cause i can hear all my fingering and dynamic fuckups so much better and correct for them almost instantly. for the first time in my life, i realized something. it hasn't so much been, for the last few months, that i wasn't good enough to be playing shows (what i thought). the problem was that i had lousy gear. and no backup. i never realized until tuesday night what a fucking blessing a good drummer is. i didn't even have to worry about staying on beat or on tempo. he did it for me. i mean, i hit the strings...but he was just THERE to let me know exactly when to do it. i NEVER KNEW...I NEVER FUCKING KNEW!!! so i've solved the biggest part of my gear problem, and jen says she'll be my session bassist...
CAUSE I'M GOING INTO STUDIO TO MAKE MY DEMO AFTER EXAMS!!! I'M FINALLY GONNA DO IT! SEVEN FUCKING YEARS I'VE BEEN WAITING!!!
*melts into puddle of quivering joy*
but i have to finish school first or else i'll forget about it entirely and flunk out in the name of 'my art, man', which would be bad for everyone, especially me.
and this is why i am so VERY ready for school to be done.
hurry hurry hurry hurry HURRY!
this is god teaching me patience, isn't it?
god, you must find me a right pain in the ass. i take forever to learn a lesson.
*smiles*
Apr. 15th, 2007
03:32 pm - god damn you, apollo
i hear cassandra laughing
foresight's saint gone mad
the pagan days of credence
are long gone
been waiting here for ages
for something to make sense
i can hear cassandra laughing
closing on the kill
i prophecy that everything
is gonna fall and die
i prophecy that everything
is coming back alive
i'm sitting here so helpless
the noise has made me blind
serenity of summer
is long gone
it's getting some frustrating
calling all the shots
the future proves me right
when i'm ignored
i prophecy that everything
is gonna fall and die
i prophecy that everything
is coming back to life
i've forgotten for the moment
why i want to know
i remember there's no point
to being told
the noise has made me blind
the city's made me blind
but i can hear cassandra laughing
closing on the kill
i'm waiting in the dark
for what comes now
i prophecy that everything
is gonna fall and die
i prophecy that all of us
are gonna come to life
i always thought cassandra's story was one of those that proved god to be an iron.
(a glutton commits gluttony, and a felon, felony)
Apr. 13th, 2007
11:32 pm - 99.9999999%.....
if there is a woman alive who hasn't said what i'm thinking right now, i would like to meet her...so i would have a face to focus my impotent hate on...i hate cramps.
02:12 pm
i'm bleeding and lazy and i want to take a nap and then leave town. sometimes i really wish everything would just shut up so i could think properly. whatever. i feel like crap cause i'm broke and on the rag. such is life.
*grumble grumble*
i'm going to smoke resin hash.
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